Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
