That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
