my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
