Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
