I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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