So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
