my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
