Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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