Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
