I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
