Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
