Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
