My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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