dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
