How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
