oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
