I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
