i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
