is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
