so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
