It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
