It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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