Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
