you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
