remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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