I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
