I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
