Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
