I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
