Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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