well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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