I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
