Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
