Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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