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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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