So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize