I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
