This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
