theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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