i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
