I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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