barbara walters just said penis...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
