Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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