i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
