Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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