Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
