im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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