I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
