well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
