its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
