eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
