I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
