I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just pee around me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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