I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
