Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
