So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
