You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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