go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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