OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
