My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
